Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.