“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
You Might Also Like
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
They’re on their honeymoon
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!