[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.