I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.