TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
reminder
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.