i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?