I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?