We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
S O O N
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.