Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.