Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?