The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
girls literally only want one thing..
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon