My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
How dude HOW?!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.