I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea