me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17