And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My therapist after every session
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.