When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say