Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.