The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
beware of dog
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
i spent way too long on this
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it