Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
How much for the goth pool noodles?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.