Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Breaking news:
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.