Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You Might Also Like
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
*sewing*
A thread
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!