“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers