[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
me when I see my crush
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.