Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
This is a sub tweet
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss