I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Florida be like…
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip