My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I hope they boil the right one.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda