Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
You Might Also Like
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.