@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@meghaffer

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

@meghaffer

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

@meghaffer

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

@meghaffer

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

@meghaffer

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

@meghaffer

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

@meghaffer

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

@meghaffer

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

@meghaffer

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.