*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions