How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.