@mejustbeth

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

@mejustbeth

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

@mejustbeth

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

@mejustbeth

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

@mejustbeth

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@mejustbeth

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@mejustbeth

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.