Funny Tweeter

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Page of mela_shea's best tweets

@mela_shea : I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@mela_shea: I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

@mela_shea: I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@mela_shea: The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

@mela_shea: Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

@mela_shea: Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

@mela_shea: [first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@mela_shea: “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

@mela_shea: I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

@mela_shea: “What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”