I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.