Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“and how does that make you feel?”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
can I use a minion as a tampon
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: