[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
sliding into dms like
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
PLOT TWIST:
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly