Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Packing for a trip, Husband says I don’t need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I’m coming back.
In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.