No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
But is it really??
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap