Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se