ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
#ParentingFacts
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.