I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???