Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy