A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.