Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
me after eating Cheetos
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait