*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Skills
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
What a website