Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“What?”
– Jude
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
#Caturday
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.