Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Hell yeah 👍
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):