Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’