@metickleu

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

@metickleu

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

@metickleu

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

@metickleu

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

@metickleu

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

@metickleu

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

@metickleu

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

@metickleu

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’