the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.