As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.