Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You Might Also Like
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler