I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.